The Note......

"Shona

hey I am glad that you are fine..was wondering the options to reach you..
but when i did find one...you were busy dreaming ..
you really made me feel dead till the time..i saw you..
you know one thing...even the nurse who is attending you...
complains about your irresponsible behavior...
i know ..i know..all the credit goes to me..
to have loved you..more than my life....


This has been the worst day of my life , Seeing you like this ....in a hospital
I don't know who to blame ....you or me ....
You for neglecting the care i wanted you to do , in my inability to be with you all the time,
or me to have not told you everything .....
I should have told you about this before..and i even tried telling you this
when you thought i was mad...
you were the one ..who used to keep my spirits high and never made me believe in anything
like that..but now seeing you like this...
i feel like blaming myself to be a part of you...
All i see is an adjusting you...who just believed in a fool's word and walked with me ....
even when you had the option of leaving me....
I failed to fulfill all the promises ....but it would be hard to break one knowingly...
"To be with you till my last breath"
Its not that I am leaving you alone ....but i just don't want to be the trouble of your life ,
As I can't loose you...and can't be with you on knowing that the reason of loosing you ...could be me ..myself

I am sorry for everything that happened...to you
""

Anxious Me - I

I feel so blank...at finding my answers ...
to the questions you left unanswered ....and you dont
bother at all....

I am frustrated with my inabilities to let it go
as i am unable to kill all my feelings for her ...
and unable to bear her total ignorance.....

What do i really want ?
i never have an answer to this question by her ....
as i never wanna hurt her and neither i want my feelings
to get ignored...

I don't know what matters to her....she changed in all..
and maybe she changed for all good...
its only me...totally fighting for a change..

A change that'll make everything normal.....

She seems happy ...as i started to keep distances from
her..her wish...she asked for it...
no matter what it costs me..and i am paying for that
till today ....

I have a divergence in my life...
a life full of past relevances ...unpredictables leads
me ..at one way
and a life to be with her ..and my feelings leads me at
other..

I wont have anything more or less , if i choose the first
one , what we call a practical life...a secure life..
where everything excepts love awaits you....to make
your a living dream and a hell at the same time..

On the other hand ..awaits a girl..who has differences
in nature,life , etc ...when compared with my own..
She promises to come along ...but she isn't good
at keeping promises ....
what if she leaves me ..in the middle of the path ...
and walk away...saying you ll find someone else to walk
along....
What if ...she maybe using me to reach the end of that
unpredictable path..and would ditch ..after securing her
needs...
What if the curse follows me..to that road , unknown
..where i cant even rely on her..its never a guarantee
that she would not change....

In both paths..its sure i wont be surviving for long
as i am not meant to be a part of anyone's life..even
my forever lasts a few years ....
as i have lived more than half of my forever...

I wish..my life was a little simpler..that could
be overcome the difficulties put into by destiny..

HER REPLY- 2 APRIL 2012

i never told anything about your life or well being to anybody....
don't blame me for stuff i have not done...

itna hi shauk hai past mein rehne ka toh go
back n think what all happened.....as a lay man...

you'll come to know that it was not all
my fault.......
if friendship breaks its because of two people and not one....
in d eyes of everybody
you have become a poor guy
who was used and thrown away
and
me the
bitch who did that......

me sorry for what happened.....
and 
agar mujhe sabki saamne bechara bnne ka shock
ni hai toh it doesnt mean ki mujhe koi farak ni padhta.....

anyhow terese baat krna is like
diwaar par sar fodna...issmein b tu kuch galat hi meaning nikalega.....

I AM DYING WITHOUT U EACH DAY......

she is happy.......i can see her
when i go online......nothing urges her to  be with me again.
or even acknowledge my efforts....

she feels like free again....after the consolidations of my threats that bounded her.....
were set free by me.....

its fate and i was unlucky to have lost my world to it.....
i could barely see any one beside me ....without being asked to......

everyone scares the curse i carry ....that it doesn't get blessed upon them by chance
i cant blame them....
i never expected them to run miles with me...
care for me when i was heartbroken........
understand me......when everyone failed to.......

everyone fails to understand the pain at heart i feel everyday.....
they could only make fun of what showed up as a matter of fact to them....
which they gulped out the portion , they could understand or could make fun of later....

i have nothing by side......
when i try to tear the skin of the cuts ....dried up...

i cant take this anymore.......
your threats to end yourself....,
your attempts to take over my life...,
your over expressiveness......

your assumption of everything to be love.......

when each of the word makes me realize .......this couldn't be her words....
someone just made up some story to her about me..
or its the outcome of someones activity that turned me negative...

my outcome of the story....changed rapidly

i lure myself into believing ....she would come back....
she wont go.....
as she told me ......she would be there when i needed her.....

but the series of fear accumulates around this thought....
maybe she didn't included the clause to be there when needed ...if she was ready to go

why would she come back again ?....
for getting forced again....?.....


silence....is all that i have in answer to that.....
all i could do .....was cry
maybe i was not meant to be someone's ....
maybe she would come back to me....

"The Other Side Of Me."

the world stands apart....
from me......

they all left me on my own.....

Sitting on the roadside of a tunnel....with a minimum light ....is me .....
the dark side ......which hates being in light...hates to meet people....hates to do good,
hates to think about love.......
i stand beside him....as he laughs.....on me....
did the change happened ?....
Nope 
 .....how ashamed i am .....he said....

didn't the good deeds worked ?........
pity on you guy......
every time u try to do good.....
challenging  me... for the every cause i desire
....you waste the energy the body has...
the energy i share....because i am in this body too......

what makes u believe anyone would love you ?......
why ? 
for what ?
what can u do for them ?.....
your words are not magical ..
they are too deceiving to be true..
even if they are not......
they are just good to hear....not feasible in practicality

what the hell made you try to kill yourself ?......
he hit me to the ground.......
don't ever think of ......ending my existence....otherwise u wont be that wise again.....

y don't u just leave me on my own ?.....i asked
because i never had choice....and you never had anything good by you .....your body was the perfect place
i had......

actually , i know why are you after love .......its nothing to do with feelings .....its just that
you wanna get rid of me.......right ?.....

you wish , that happens ......because i won't let that happen......

because i m the one ......who haunts her mind......i m the if in her every sentence.....
i m the fear she has for you.......

because wherever you reside.....
i am always with you......just to make things more difficult for you 


i am the very much part of you......why you forget that..........

i have so much control over you....and i am so powerful that no one gets to see your kindness,
its all me........

all you get to hear....is "you are different when present in person and different when on phone"

come on ....don't waste time......let me drive it the way it was before.......
she wont comeback....and i promise....i wont let her comeback even if she does.....

i cant let the body to weaken up for a stupid thing called love.......

i tried to hit him on to that face of his.....but he swiftly turned and hit me hard ...
that got me down lying on the surface......

you are weak.....your love got you ...i am way too stronger than you.....don't even try that....
i ll make your life hell......i promise......

i give you some time to think or consult your love........i ll be back .....

i lie down ....is not able to get up....realize some day the feelings the one keeps inside
of him......can take that form one day....if they aren't valued.....

"Nothing in this dies.....not even the feelings.......they change forms from one another

to change or turn life , the way they want or fight a never ending war of existence..."

A Dream I Had....

The day i collapsed .....
with everything meant important to me......hitting me hard.....

I felt at-least she would be there to support me......
But it didn't happened , Maybe for her good 
or
Maybe I was wishing for too much..!!!

Never had been an incident in occurrence that may have made her trust me  and my honesty......
Everything bad happening around me, had me into believing ....
that there was no tomorrow.....

Even if there was one
it was not worth living for......not with the present circumstances.

Everyone and Everything just agitated the fact.....i was unlucky......
they had a reason to prove.......

Everyone had something or somewhat to their name......
success
Some had people supporting them through their bad times ...
and fight with the dark time
to subside and subside , till it disappeared.......

i on the other hand ....had nothing.....just my hopes which remain as a pain with me ,
 if i compare
with people having love as the part of their life......

If someone asks me what have i done in my life......i won't have anything to say....
nothing to believe, it did happened, not for the good , but it did just because
it had too.

people ask why do you live in the world you dream off......
I have just an answer to give...... 

My reality is too dreadful to be in......
they all hate being with me because i am unlucky.
it makes everyone after they realize in real......
keep distance from me......

being among people ...... with pity eyes....just show they are ready to help
but never turn up when needed.....always ready to use you for their good......
when done......
leave you saying its all for your good , i have to go....their is no other
way.......

apart from others in this world......she acts a bit strange.......

she cares about me but does not love me......

she don't want me to go but is ready to leave at once on my call.....


i was very upset regarding my studies......what all i assumed .....perished in the reality
unseen , unknown to me........the world i never wished i was a part of......

i wanted to be with someone who could understand me......but i had no-one else other than her......

it really made me feel weak....when i realized ......
that the world didn't wanted me to stay.......
because whatever i tried or to the extent i tried was not acceptable to anyone.......

its the effect of every possible attachment of me to this world is giving up on me.....
starting or ending with her.......

i nearly had her lost to pain.....but she was unchanged ........
the world was unchanged .........unreasonable to me.......

she cried , i was unchanged on my decision to end me.......
i tried with only a cut not severe bleed......really had a bad luck i survived.......
what all she said on my giving her the news of my survival....really blew me out....
i wanted to die again....but my efforts died out with the strength.......

the night full , i was awake ......facing every bit of reality of mine.....

i slept in the morning....when it was about to sunshine,
i had a dream.....a dream too magical......to soothing to heal up my wounds.....
what it signified , i don't know.....
why ? the reason i wont be able to justify.....
but it happened.....

i had a dream.....
i was alone somewhere......
i don't know how i ended up there....and to my surprise
she was sitting beside me........

she kept a hand around me and asked........what happened ?
i said nothing
she said " then why are you acting so weird ?"

i said " i have nothing left with me.....but the world still greed from me"
 they want everything .....and they wont stop until they get the flesh this body
has......i don't know what wrong have i done to them.....to you.....
because the day you told me .....
it can never happen again.....it gave me a shock
and the day i had something positive to stop by me.....it worsened....

i felt i was no good ....even if i lived or died....it made no difference to the world
and now to u too.

"ohh i see then " that's what's causing you the problems.......she said

my eyes cried out expressing all that to her.......

she told me.....its all what fears me too....these days you are too unpredictable....
i cant be sure of the day ....you would just pass away or walk away....

now you make me fear and hurt myself.....all what you have made me suffer .....just for
the sake of that care i have for u...it all got accumulated in the form of anger for you
you just need to make efforts to make me trust you .....make me forget that....be patient
and be the one i loved....because you have changed.....and i have tried and failed to
recover that person in you.......

one day , the things may change.....but all what you did or had done.....
has just decreased
your chances more and more.....
but i ll still be with you......

i was hearing the same thing..i heard everyday....
so i stood up and start walking..
she came nearby me....took my hand and walked by my side.......


till now i don't know ......what happened...i cant say anything.......
but it may seem just another thought of my mind , and it may take me a long time
to make her believe it did happened......