With being "honest "..Comes "Rewards"

her words actually weakened me.....her love was never there to support

maybe her wish was not me.........

it hard to see someone you love go to someone else..but the shortcomings of being a one-sided
lover is that you have no option.....

she nearly brought me to death , everytime she used to say....you and me its never gonna happen
i just tried to keep everything to myself , fearing that it may make me loose her forever
i cant hurt her and i cant leave her.......

every night i try not to call her , thinking that she may get disturbed ...but i give up
and call ......but the call always goes on waiting ......
it didn't used to affect me when she hadn't said the forever not thing but now suddenly it hurts
a lot sometimes....its always me ...when i call ..she thinks about her studies , telling me
would u speak up ?....or i have to study.....seems avoidance

she ignores or she doesn't care ......that the other person is so much hurt that the words
don't come out of his mouth....

there were days when i used to speak a lot...used to imagine things n share with her
the moments i wished to spend with her.....but it all came with a thought i new this was
coming.......i doubted if she was being sarcastic at times........but the love wont let
that pass to the heart...making it not uneasy for me at times.....

she said "i cant be with you " because i can't hurt you both....
" i don't wanna be in a relationship", i hate this.

"i need time , i am not there it ll take me time to reach where you are......and i am not that
expressive as you are ".

surely this feel like they kept me alive or ruined my present , depending upon how she
used them

i don't know if her words came more when being with the other guy......or i did bored her
because i am trying to figure out that was i fool or random to have offered so much honesty
still have nothing......

someone trying to hurt me.....said " DOgs are also loyal and honest, and they usually find their
place either tied to the main door...or out of the house....they are breed to be used for
service...not meant to be the royal of the house."

he laughed and passed away.....

that day i felt really low.....and i called her....i was keeping things with me but it
suddenly exploded........the words which came as a reply were usual except one....

"if i wanted to be in a relationship , i could have been with him....knowing him for time
more than i know you for......."

i regret making that call.....that time i actually was shocked to hear what i heard
i kept myself calm.....n cried a lot......that day i was not me actually because i really
couldn't believe , she said that

all i could do was to sit down and make me believe she said that......and meant because she didn't
regret or realized what it could mean to me .....when she really said that......

12 October 2011 - "The Day the End Started"

today i was very happy , not because i had/ have won a prize.
because something i intended to do , that could turn my life .....

taking steps down to a place , i imagined my future with her 
with ever-lasting happiness.
but somehow some wishes never reach the full-filler or are denied .
whatever be the reason, we never get to have it.

i saw her standing already at the place. 
i could see a shine on her face . 
it seems a good day.
even luck was by my side ........
as i reached her ...i kneel-ed down taking no time further

her words interrupted mine , to which she said "I can only be your friend for life , and never expect
me to change again."

these words i hardly get to believe in with things started to change at sudden ...i never
realized this was what she gonna say.

today was her birthday , so i couldn't follow up with any confrontation nor i could cry myself.

she walked over to see her friends ....and behind her the whole world , all my feelings, wishes
etc fell from heavens like piece of waste papers.

i was all covered with these papers , with my surroundings.

for that time, i really couldn't understand the difference between dream and reality
i assumed it to be a dream , as i never expected it to happen.

i lay there with all my feelings and wishes ....which had gone wasted
i collected my body to protect my soul and heart from getting more hurt......

after some time , some of my friends grew aware of my acquaintance ......they wanted to drive
me away from that place to which i resisted because those were actually what i earned from our relationship
it really made me rich , as it provided me the wealth of sharing few moments of my life with her.

she really turned my life with her decision , but she made something out of me which i couldn't be

i really don't know what reason to give against my wish to stay there ......which changed my life.

i can't wish for anything else but to recollect and bring back either the time i lost or the relationship i lost

in which the last one was what i dearly wanted .

i never wanted her to go away like this , but she did .

i really wanted to kill myself for going out that day.....and i actually self-invited myself to the event.