Anxious Me - I

I feel so blank...at finding my answers ...
to the questions you left unanswered ....and you dont
bother at all....

I am frustrated with my inabilities to let it go
as i am unable to kill all my feelings for her ...
and unable to bear her total ignorance.....

What do i really want ?
i never have an answer to this question by her ....
as i never wanna hurt her and neither i want my feelings
to get ignored...

I don't know what matters to her....she changed in all..
and maybe she changed for all good...
its only me...totally fighting for a change..

A change that'll make everything normal.....

She seems happy ...as i started to keep distances from
her..her wish...she asked for it...
no matter what it costs me..and i am paying for that
till today ....

I have a divergence in my life...
a life full of past relevances ...unpredictables leads
me ..at one way
and a life to be with her ..and my feelings leads me at
other..

I wont have anything more or less , if i choose the first
one , what we call a practical life...a secure life..
where everything excepts love awaits you....to make
your a living dream and a hell at the same time..

On the other hand ..awaits a girl..who has differences
in nature,life , etc ...when compared with my own..
She promises to come along ...but she isn't good
at keeping promises ....
what if she leaves me ..in the middle of the path ...
and walk away...saying you ll find someone else to walk
along....
What if ...she maybe using me to reach the end of that
unpredictable path..and would ditch ..after securing her
needs...
What if the curse follows me..to that road , unknown
..where i cant even rely on her..its never a guarantee
that she would not change....

In both paths..its sure i wont be surviving for long
as i am not meant to be a part of anyone's life..even
my forever lasts a few years ....
as i have lived more than half of my forever...

I wish..my life was a little simpler..that could
be overcome the difficulties put into by destiny..

With being "honest "..Comes "Rewards"

her words actually weakened me.....her love was never there to support

maybe her wish was not me.........

it hard to see someone you love go to someone else..but the shortcomings of being a one-sided
lover is that you have no option.....

she nearly brought me to death , everytime she used to say....you and me its never gonna happen
i just tried to keep everything to myself , fearing that it may make me loose her forever
i cant hurt her and i cant leave her.......

every night i try not to call her , thinking that she may get disturbed ...but i give up
and call ......but the call always goes on waiting ......
it didn't used to affect me when she hadn't said the forever not thing but now suddenly it hurts
a lot sometimes....its always me ...when i call ..she thinks about her studies , telling me
would u speak up ?....or i have to study.....seems avoidance

she ignores or she doesn't care ......that the other person is so much hurt that the words
don't come out of his mouth....

there were days when i used to speak a lot...used to imagine things n share with her
the moments i wished to spend with her.....but it all came with a thought i new this was
coming.......i doubted if she was being sarcastic at times........but the love wont let
that pass to the heart...making it not uneasy for me at times.....

she said "i cant be with you " because i can't hurt you both....
" i don't wanna be in a relationship", i hate this.

"i need time , i am not there it ll take me time to reach where you are......and i am not that
expressive as you are ".

surely this feel like they kept me alive or ruined my present , depending upon how she
used them

i don't know if her words came more when being with the other guy......or i did bored her
because i am trying to figure out that was i fool or random to have offered so much honesty
still have nothing......

someone trying to hurt me.....said " DOgs are also loyal and honest, and they usually find their
place either tied to the main door...or out of the house....they are breed to be used for
service...not meant to be the royal of the house."

he laughed and passed away.....

that day i felt really low.....and i called her....i was keeping things with me but it
suddenly exploded........the words which came as a reply were usual except one....

"if i wanted to be in a relationship , i could have been with him....knowing him for time
more than i know you for......."

i regret making that call.....that time i actually was shocked to hear what i heard
i kept myself calm.....n cried a lot......that day i was not me actually because i really
couldn't believe , she said that

all i could do was to sit down and make me believe she said that......and meant because she didn't
regret or realized what it could mean to me .....when she really said that......