The Curse - The End Part III

( in the back of mind.. i realized my fear ...it wasn't about getting ended by the aura......but was the fear of a reason that maybe true...
she hasn't spoken up the reason to end everything on her own ...but she gave signs....with all pointing in one direction...she may have taken my curse as a joke ....but she didn't took the situation of my parents as a reason to laugh....she did got scared of their condition...and turned mean as she couldn't find anything valuable in my life....with me under so much pain....just expecting from her...till the situations changed. She left with them as a reason... but she could never tell it on my face to be called mean...so gave me no reason at all.....
I understand that she wants her someone to be a well-to-do person from a well-to-do family but it doesn't gives her a license to play with others feelings like that .

I still love that person who hates to be with me just because of my parents condition.

I just can't hurt both of them....so leaving on them to take the decision....

but when it comes to taking a decision i turn weak and want to end my life other than making a choice....

)

i keep on repeating the words " I am not lying about anything " as i loose control over myself ....
but the aura is still firm on its words.....

just end me ....if you feel so....i shouted........

the aura in the reply.....

Yes people like you should be ended as they still can't take a stand and leave a person who has left them for a reason being its own parents.....
not because they are against it or anything but they are in state to be taken cared off ...and being with that person means to be accepting them too in that state....that is hard to be making that decision....

(
i was taken aback by this ...

the day i said i am going to end my world ...

the day she never asked me anything , just said those words " live for them , as they have no-one else...."

she never asked "how they were , not even once when she called....but just kept on reminding to not take a wrong step stopped me by taking their names...and said " you have to take care of them "....if you did anything wrong i'll be blamed for life....

My mutual friend said " Move-on....." but she didn't told me the way.....
the way i may not find people like her ....in the path i move forward on......
who are ready to take advantage of you but never be true to you....

Even she was interested in saving her friend ...not interested in knowing the well being or any reason...
I wished that i could change them....make them realize but they never did.....

Failing to bring a change ....i am on my wish to end myself....

never came a message from both of them....how were they ?
a message came to enquire if i was alive or not ....

)

Now i am giving up on those messages even......realized those were just out of fear and never meant that they worried or something...

I always said i lost my pillars to support me....when they got into this state...i never asked for her love ...it was her wish
but never had that support...too...which maybe i deserved......
I still crave for that support but i lost faith in believing in someone else....as no-one could be trusted that much...
the ones who could was not in a state to support.....

I didn't wanted to be burden on someone.....and never wanted to increase someone's responsibility.....
loved whosoever tried helping in something....but never asked for sympathies....felt more worst than death.

Never tried having a habit of getting helped ...as i respected everyone's time and life....

wanted people to be a part of my life....but was scared of them to start sympathizing with me...

I respected the understanding of my situation ...respect of my individuality and help in case i was weak.......
which i never had.......

I tried being normal but no-one let me be......it

I never wanted to be mis-understood.....but everyone had their way of mending my words...
( their way of making me be aware of their choices , which i accepted )

the aura ...
said ...its time....now

its time for you to get over.........

he got me up ......i sensed my end was near...........

i had so much to remember and i closed my eyes ...as he placed his hand on my heart .......

I closed my eyes ....and all i saw was her face.....her smile......
i was about to say anything else ...but only one thing came out 

"be happy and safe wherever you are ...

and 

                                        I'll always love you but won't be
                                                 there to be with you"

and with that the aura ....just in a flash separated that heart from my body.......


Some moments ..later...i see him( the one who has always tried to save me) again there....

He has so much to tell me ,
So much to ask but 

He said " I am glad that you are alive , but maybe i can understand your position 
but its life it never gives you chances ...
You did it ...you survived...i know but still you survived.


but i was not glad about surviving it .....not after realizing everything i did.....
i wished i shouldn't have survived.

The Curse - The End Part II

Nothing was hidden from the aura.....i was told ...before coming here...

I had lost what my life held onto.....seeing so many people in pain just because of me..didn't changed much about me...
but that girl..did made me realize what was life..., the way she lived...was maybe the life i too wanted..but never had..
maybe the thing was that i thought she could understand and help me in saving others and the ones in pain...as i was unable to directly help them and it frustrated me....
i said...

Really ?....and the aura laughed .....tell me the truth ?

Yes , and also i was in fear that how everything changed the time i disclosed it to the world.....i may end being alone in this world...as with each disclosure...the person started leaving....at first i thought the problem was with them..they couldn't understand everything...and they didn't deserved to be there....but

but ???

but the way she reacted changed my opinions....
about myself.......

she made me realize it didn't mattered how much you love someone , it matters if you possess what this world craves for.......

i was not fooled....actually ..what the people say...about everything....
actually i was taken advantage of my situations ..the problems and everything ...and was put in a situation where i had no option...

okay...the aura said....
but what is that biggest fear you have ?
aura asked ...

"You "....i replied...

you knew me....before her birthday ...and you used to boast about having fought with it.....
then suddenly so much of fear for me....that isn't the reason.....

i never knew i ll be ended by you.....i used to believe like those stories told even i would have a chance of survival.....
from a power like you.....but she did made me realize i am a normal person with no special abilities...
i can't beat you at anything....

you are lying ......the aura with a stronger voice.....

i am not ......i replied....

i don't have anything to lie about.....i replied....

( in the back of mind.. i realized my fear ...it wasn't about getting ended by the aura......but was the fear of a reason that maybe true...

The Curse - The End Part - I

the day has come ....the day i fear the most ..that comes every year
But this it has the reason turning into a reality ......the fear coming true...

I have an unusual smile on my face for the day ...why
Even I don't know it .....

Maybe its onto having the end of all the suffering ..all the pain
all the reasons to run away from and all the lies as justifications ...been awarded.

Its the end of everything....

Last time i was here .....i had nothing in my mind....
i didn't had to face anything ...as everything got sorted ...without my intervention...
i don't remember what happened...
but today i ll defending myself on my own.....giving justifications for who i am ...

As i sense the change in the environment .....i say my last prayers ..one last efforts to save myself.....
even my prayers say..."Take care of her God ..in my absence from this world..."

the arrival is marked with the environment going lifeless......i am scared...everything goes black..

the aura of that place turns magical...and the exposure is so bright i am unable to lookup....

i am on knees before that aura and i look down....to the end of the extent of that aura...

"I know what all your life has been, as i was a part of you until now...accompanying you with the every step you took..."
but i am not glad with how you have lived ...." the aura spoke.....


I know i have been discussing this thing with people around me.....i have been asking for their understanding that they should work and save themselves other than trying too much...i asked them to act intelligently which they took it for sympathy.......
i said..

Do you not want to sympathized ?....Really ?
the aura asked....

i replied affirmatively ....

That is a lie...if you hadn't .....then what was it with that girl ?

(Continued in Part II)

As the countdown begins to the maybe the final moments of life.
The fear has started to take on me ..

The wish to see her once before the destiny make it calls grows.

I untie myself from the chains and wish to make my way out of the place.

I want to run to her and see her but the curse never let's me do that.

The thing is what would you do ...if she has moved on ..
and now doesn't wish to see you.

If in choice of seeing her...she gets to know ...and does something that may hurt.

I ask myself a question ?
Will i be able to survive , seeing her moved on ?

the answer without any doubt is NO.

The time till now only focused on saving her from the curse. But now a sudden wish to see her before the end grows

My body too isn't supporting me to move on...
I am too weak.

What if my life ends days after this.
and i am not able to see her....

I have no other option but to sit there and wait for the final day...

Whatever be the situation , I learnt few things from this life....

#1 It isn't about how much you love , its all about what you  are practically that matters !

#2 Even your friend cannot understand you ...when she is the part of the world that is totally against you.

#3 People won't believe you are up with something bad in your life, until they see you die on a hospital bed.

#4 Never do anything for anyone , unless you can prove to them you did something , otherwise it's all wasted.

#5 Your life is precious than any other person's life , no matter if he is on a death bed.

#6 Everyone leaves you ...when you are about to die.
    just a bit of memories are left , which are not more than a used tissue for them but it is capable of supporting someone's life.


Wish would she have decided to be with me ? if i wasn't cursed.
Till now life had been full of experiences ...where i met angels like her..
and friends like our mutual one .

I thought i was strong but it was actually nothing but a lie.
As i broke down after knowing my life a little better everytime,
all i used to believe that this curse wasn't something that someone would believe in.

All i got to know was that it became the reason for people to leave me.

I saw everything this life held onto ......
but it doesn't matter now..

I am a part of everyone's history and maybe soon be out of existence.



 

Everything is moving on.....with irresistible pain
either caused by the curse
or by her absence....

I am by myself trying to go through all the pain at once..
She left me at the point i needed her the most ,
for living a life full of happiness which was getting affected by my presence

With every step i take ....its all blood down the path ..that leads to a place of final judgement

The place ..where the fate would get decided...the path were no one can support , no one can do anything
I did all what i could do....gave up everything in love

Her proposal to just be friends ...and not more ....
Seemed as if she was hiding the words behind those lines ...which meant i can only give you this to sympathize with your
condition...
"You have all other important people in your life .....you could atleast try for them ..to live"
as if i treated her a total stranger to my situations.....or my situations were just not right to be in for her...

She didn't wanted to be in a world ....where everything was just feelings....
She calls herself modest and me an emotional or invade deep in her thoughts , then an emotional fool

I am transforming from the human she loved or played with ...into a human who gives a damn about her....
Into an animal she used to fear ...when she met ...

The fear of the curse goes on....and i still remember the day....the curse's arrival marked my doors.....

I was with her ...trying to make her realize ...my love for her and to make her trust me more .....
Suddenly the situations started to change ...for unusual to happen..
blood started to tear the flesh in me....and moved out...
i realized the time was not right for her to see all this......

She asked me the reason....and i told her everything...
even if i was told to keep all that to myself...

She feared her life....and ran to save her from the oncoming of curse and its effects.
With me , shouting aloud to let her know..."her safety was my concern too"
Wished she had trusted me more on this...all i wanted was the support.....the care that may have healed the wounds.....
so that it pained less than wounds carved on wounds.....

her promises ...her support all seemed just a lie
with the thing ..that let me open up to her ...about the curse being
" Its not your reactions , that's hurting me.....but its the way you are nowdays"
I am ready to bear it all, if it could help you get back to normal...!!!!

My pain was ....not at all ..important to her..and she ran....
After some time ....she did return..
but it was too late , in her absence ...i had just asked the end for me.....
my ego, my anguish , her words ....all burnt to form a circle ....to let nothing enter in......

Her return was nothing but a gesture for she felt bad on leaving me alone...
Still she was in fear.....in all.....
And all i did was smile....and asked her to leave...
as in that way ..she was only insulting my feelings i had for her...
and not being thankful....for what i meant to her in her life........
or just not being true....about why she had to always hide the truth from me....

When she already felt something for him....
then why not clearly ....say that she already felt for someone....
instead of ....i dont wanna be in relationship...or anything else.....

I wish i hadn't tried knowing the reasons behind her dis-approvals....instead should have heard her saying all that...
Atleast ..what all i had known.....
may not have caused me ...to never trust anyone..

I chain myself .....to let this fear not hurt anyone.....
i tightly chained myself ...so that even a little movement cause the wounds to pain....

But still ...i was not able to forget her....with everytime i tried....something or the other reminded me of her.....

I am bounded......i can't be with her, neither can force her to be with me.......

The Note......

"Shona

hey I am glad that you are fine..was wondering the options to reach you..
but when i did find one...you were busy dreaming ..
you really made me feel dead till the time..i saw you..
you know one thing...even the nurse who is attending you...
complains about your irresponsible behavior...
i know ..i know..all the credit goes to me..
to have loved you..more than my life....


This has been the worst day of my life , Seeing you like this ....in a hospital
I don't know who to blame ....you or me ....
You for neglecting the care i wanted you to do , in my inability to be with you all the time,
or me to have not told you everything .....
I should have told you about this before..and i even tried telling you this
when you thought i was mad...
you were the one ..who used to keep my spirits high and never made me believe in anything
like that..but now seeing you like this...
i feel like blaming myself to be a part of you...
All i see is an adjusting you...who just believed in a fool's word and walked with me ....
even when you had the option of leaving me....
I failed to fulfill all the promises ....but it would be hard to break one knowingly...
"To be with you till my last breath"
Its not that I am leaving you alone ....but i just don't want to be the trouble of your life ,
As I can't loose you...and can't be with you on knowing that the reason of loosing you ...could be me ..myself

I am sorry for everything that happened...to you
""

I Don't Want This Dream To Be A Reality.......

my suspicion grew into my fear ...that day ..when i had that dream...

I was happy to be around her...a life that i felt was worth living..denying the possibilities and living for the present..
She seemed happy too...

i started ignoring or i didn't felt like looking at the possibilities...
i just wanted to be happy..

it was midnight , and it had never been a day ..that she hasn't messaged me before midnight..
but today it was unusual...
i messaged her...
and suddenly my mobile phone rang...

to my hello....answered a man..on inquiring him...he told me that the person to whom the mobile phone belonged to...had met with an accident...
He asked me to inform the members of her family..and told me the hospital she was in...

i was restless....about the news....neither i had any contact number of her family members, neither i knew how would i be telling them this news...
i called up the only friend of her ..i knew...informed her..

I felt so helpless that i was bounded that i can't reach there to see her.....as i don't own a vehicle...and even more..her family rarely knew about me....
i was bounded till the sun rises..and i was helpless as i could feel..i could do nothing

In the morning, i woke up late..after i slept late in the morning...
it was over 10..when i got ready to leave home ..to  see her..

Now, even i felt , what was i going for ..when the worst time was over...
I couldn't be there with her ..especially when she needed me...
and now all i was going to show that i loved her...
I felt ashamed to have slept that morning..but i had no other way
the friend i knew..wasn't replying to any of my messages and neither she took the pain
to update me on the matter...

Every random thought passed my mind..but neither of them nearing  the reality...
i was lost..and the world seemed an uncomfortable place for me to be in..
I was at the bus stop ..waiting ...and the bus came...people were too busy getting
inn..and i less cared and waited to get inn at the last...
But my patience gave in too early and i walked to the door of the bus..
suddenly , someone stopped me from behind..it was him..
Seeing him after a very long time..i touched his feet.....

I  had forgotten about him...and forgotten everything in being with her....
But he still remembered me....i was touched..
he asked me about my well being ...and asked me where i had been all this while ..

i felt ashamed ...and i just couldn't gather words..to answer him..

He could see me a bit worried ..and inquired
and i told him everything ....

after hearing everything ...he wanted to know what was i trying to do ...now
i told him everything...he asked for..

then suddenly when trying to move ahead...he stopped me again..

he asked me to stay back...but i had to see her...no matter what...

i told him.."i just don't care about what happens to me..but i really want to see her
right now...."

Even after knowing everything about yourself....
the way he said it...it just stopped me from moving an inch..
further...
that minute, it just made me feel.....could i be a reason , that could bring upon such
a situation for her...
to which the answer could be or was definitely YES..no matter how hard i tried ignoring it

I just couldn't stop myself from asking him.."what he did meant actually ?"

He started disclosing everything ....actually he had come to meet me..to warn me ..of the danger that may happen...and to see me too...
but after seeing me ....he could guess that something has already happened
and when i disclosed him..everything ...the danger was not completely over ..he felt

he warned me...it was not the right time to be the part of the situation...it won't undo
what's done but it may initiate the danger left.....

but all these were not actually stopping me from...moving ahead..
but in order to get going ..i had to promise him something ..to let him allow me....
to go....

I promised him...i won't push situations to let it be according to me...i would respect
what i'll be offered...and would not try to be a part of someone's life and would stop
others from being a part of my life...

I moved ahead..he still didn't wanted me to go..as he knew i would surely break a couple of promises..

I reached the place ....my heartbeat...started beating faster....
i was surrounded by my fear of assuming her condition..will i be able to bear the moment
seeing her like that...

As soon as i reached the entrance , i was stopped by the guards ..asking me for my whereabouts...i told them and then they asked me for the pass...which i didn't had..
They asked me to wait outside ..even after requests..

I waited outside..and tried calling the friend...she didn't answered at all...
I glued my eyes to look for someone inside i knew..to help me get in..

I saw my friend ..looking at the entrance in search of someone...i moved towards the
entrance giving her a chance to see me...she did..maybe or maybe not and then immediately turned her face around...and i saw her calling someone...
i was thinking that would be me...but my mobile didn't end up receiving any call...

i sat down on the bench across the entrance....and saw many injured persons getting exchanged with all treated people through the door....the tensed faces of the people
accompanying the injured people ...or should i say critical patients..
made me skip my heart beat...

After some-time...i saw someone noticeable ..making way through all those people and
patients...to the entrance...he waited there..called someone... and some moments later, i saw my friend coming to the door...helping him..get in....i got to know..it was him.....
I hadn't seen him before....or should i say i didnt cared looking at his pics on fb
I don't know , whether she saw me sitting at the bench or not...but if she did...
what made her..ignore me like that...

I waited at the bench...seeing people around...even seeing people who knew me..move across me....totally ignoring my presence there.....

the day , ended and i waited there.....with no objection and all acceptance...
I was still not out of the fear...

One of the guard sat next to me...he anxiously inquired ..what was i waiting for ?
i told him...i was waiting to meet someone who was inn there....he asked me .how was i related to her ?...i paused..trying to say something and in the end..said "Even i don't know

how am i related to her , i want to live my whole life with her but my life isn't worth living ...i am ready to give away everything , but she never believes in me,"...
he allowed me

to step inn...and asked me to be quick with my return...

I just don't know...what made that person melt at this hour for me..who was so strict
to have not let me inn...in the morning..i walked inn..with my fear growing more.....

I asked the reception..for my queries..about where she was...
she said the meeting time was over..and requested me to come in the morning...
on my request , she did told me...the chamber and her bed number ..where she was...

After letting me know the details..she got back to her work...
i entered the chamber ...and there was a huge line of beds there...every patient was
accompanied by one relative..at night..i slowly walked in the decreasing order of the
numbering of beds..from the door...
i reached there..i could see her sleeping..
there were two persons there...with her..one was "no need to guess" and other was maybe her brother..guessed it from the description , she once gave me of her brother...

I don't know ...from where a nurse came and started panicking....asking me what was i doing there ...i requested her to maintain silence...and asked her to walk to the door
and agreed to tell her everything...

I explained her.. everything.....i requested her to believe me...and
before making my way out of the chamber ..she pulled out a question from nowwhere...
how are you related to her ?...i still didn't had an answer to that...and repeated that
she won't understand..as to this day even i dont know

how am i related to her "...
.this time..it really pinched me..
and i was curious in knowing what i meant to her...

i got back to the reception and requested the nurse there...to lend me a pen and a paper..she did said something ...but i ignored..i owe her for lending me the pen and the paper...

i wrote down..what all i knew.....

"Shona

hey I am glad that you are fine..was wondering the options to reach you..
but when i did find one...you were busy dreaming ..
you really made me feel dead till the time..i saw you..
you know one thing...even the nurse who is attending you...
complains about your irresponsible behavior...
i know ..i know..all the credit goes to me..
to have loved you..more than my life....


This has been the worst day of my life , Seeing you like this ....in a hospital
I don't know who to blame ....you or me ....
You for neglecting the care i wanted you to do , in my inability to be with you all the time,
or me to have not told you everything .....
I should have told you about this before..and i even tried telling you this
when you thought i was mad...
you were the one ..who used to keep my spirits high and never made me believe in anything
like that..but now seeing you like this...
i feel like blaming myself to be a part of you...
All i see is an adjusting you...who just believed in a fool's word and walked with me ....
even when you had the option of leaving me....
I failed to fulfill all the promises ....but it would hard to break one knowingly...
"To be with you till my last breath"
Its not that I am leaving you alone ....but i just don't want to be the trouble of your life ,
As I can't loose you...and can't be with you on knowing that the reason of loosing you ...could be me ..myself

I am sorry for everything that happened...to you
""

i wrapped the piece of paper and handed over it to the guard at the entrance...with a tip and asked him to give it to the patient at bed no in chamber "..."

I walked out ..of the hospital.....knowing my real value..
the day made me be aware of ..the fact...that i was nothing without her....

After Some Days...
A message flashed on my mobile.....


"Hi
Can we meet up ?
can you come to the market nearby my place...

i replied affirmatively...
i was feeling low..since that day...didn't slept and ate properly
her sms did charged me somewhat but my body requirements still kept me on low...

i reached the place....and called her to know where was she..
i moved to the place ..she told me ..she was waiting at...
i could see her from a distance..still an angel even with bandages..plastered hand and elbow...i was happy to see her alive..

hi..greetings got exchanged knowing each others well being ..
i asked her what time would it require more for her to fully recover...
she told me ..that it may take a month or more....for her to recover.....

She opened her wrist to show me the piece of paper.....it was the piece of paper on
which i wrote....so what do you want to do ? her question.....
I just don't want you to go...but i fear that keeping you near can hurt you...

Do you really feel ?..writing down on a piece of paper and not making it to the hospital
physically ..at times when i needed you the most ...and just saying that you fear
and you blame yourself for all this..
would make me forgive you ?

What ?..what do you mean ?shona..
how are the two things related ?...

one sec....I am not lying ..when i am telling you this....i should have told you before..
i know....but you always made me not to believe in all this......
it was me trying to convince her.....

then why didn't this act of feeling guilty i got to see before...you knew it ....
it must have been the fact that you don't want to be with me...
she said..

and you know what even i don't want to be with you now.....
and yes you said it right....
you are responsible for everything .....
everything bad that happened to me...
I don't want you in my life...ever again.....

She tore that piece of paper and threw at me....
I collected ..them..
as a reward to have loved her more than myself...

"

this had been the dream ...i could never forget.....

When i woke up...i looked at my mobile for messages....
there was nothing..and i realized the importance of knowing everything
and responsibility of even letting her know about it....

There were just three days to the big day....HER BIRTHDAY..
it was 8th ### 2011..
it was the day ...i had known my fear.....

The Curse -II

The day , i knew everything
started with a smile for me...when i was getting ready..eager to know the solutions
to all my problems ...the way out of the hell....i had experienced..
 
I, in front of him...just started with my description of my sufferings...
he just told me..to chill.....they are just my illusions...
he used to take note of everything but never used to tell anything related to the truth.
i was just not satisfied with the answers..
i fail to understand ..the link to the answers and the direction to which all the situations pointed in...
 
I told him..all my observations...what i was looking for in the answers of my questions
trying to frame the picture of the reality that relates to the truth..
 
I was warned ..and not being told at first...
but i had to know it..that day or be it any day of the future..
 
The truth of my life...why everything pointed at me ..to be blamed ..
why i too felt , i make certain things ..without any reasons....
 
You are cursed...he said

Failing to understand , what it meant , and what it did ?
i questioned again...

Then he made me understand my life...
how situations led to the curse affecting you...

As i had grown accustomed to something unusual about me...i had on my own started keeping
everyone at a distance...the limit changed to be increased ..every-time everything unusual
took place...

It was tough ..to be near me..
as i tried being rude with people going way beyond the limits...and separated myself whenever i got the chance...

It was tough for someone like me...who loved to be in others company..to live like that
and the need to be around others...grew more with the growing suspicion...

Failing to effect my existence...the curse started making the people important to me
, the victim to the situations....

I couldn't stop it from affecting the important people in my life...as i didn't knew
it at all...

But when i got to know..about it..
i suspected her to be the next victim...
as she was someone important in my life....

The Curse

If i had a simple life , there could be enemies trying to mend my ways
but my life..can't be castled , so there no enemies..its just the curse..

Looking back at times , the time when i was so aware of it ..but knew nothing about it
failing to understand things ..did made me go after them...
the people i looked forward to answer my queries ...lured me with their lies..

The best example being , nothing best than
"there is nothing like curse that exist..."

But the curse ..always made itself accounted in my life...
with those people giving evidences that lead me ...i had something attached to my life
they feared....

Some stories told ....to bury the truth..but i had to know the truth..

But today, when i know everything i had been trying to know...
i fail to understand things..
was i gifted ?
or
i am being punished for nothing ?

the curse ..leads to situations that
has two rules ..

first, to affect me..
second , to effect me..

i have been so suspicious of myself ....that i stop myself from doing anything on my own
if that relates to something ...important to some-other person..people call me mean
that way..i also get to hear.."you don't so anything important for me.."

no one tries to cause a mishap , to someone who is important to them ..intentionally
even if you would force them...they would stop themselves from abiding that way..
That's what i always did...

Actually, i care about them more than me...that i even don't want to take any chances
cause i don't know my opponent...i don't know ..what am i against..

He warned me ..from falling in love ..
but i failed to abide by that...

i was failing to save others from the curse..and the wish to add another victim to
the list...that can get affected by curse..was not a great idea..
but at that time , i was unaware of the curse..i had doubts ..and
i won't deny the fact..that i suspected people around me..for all the unusual happenings..

At one stage, i even suspected her...
yes, the one i loved..

But the day was not to far, when i got to know..about the curse..

i used to tell her...
that i suspected everything that used to happen around me...
but i never had a valid reason to prove..and she used to call me mad...

Her reply-" 21 Oct 2011"- II

21 October 2011    03:04

Nai Yaar You  Don't Have To B 
On The Receiving End Of My Wrath....

Me Really Sorry It's Just That , I Have Gone Mad
These Days..
And
I Hate Talking To Anybody...Because
Jab Muh Kholti Hun Bakwass He...
Karti Hun...

Tabhi I Avoid Talking To Everybody...

Main Reason...
Mera Cell Kyon Mere Pass Nahi Hota
Mera Yehi Hai....

I Don't Want To Hurt You...
So Ignore Me For A Day 
Or
So...............

"Obviously its him not me...."

Every-time its him...

taking over all the happiness her world has.....

leaving nothing behind for me.....

she is a totally different person when she is with him....

i am just there to get noticed

i feel like i am just there to collect memories....

in which everyone has a role to play

only i am the one who was not so important to deserve a  role......

its me trying so much .....

just to have a girl so right to be the part of my life.

i just try to be normal .....

keep things simple and sane......but some things just don't let

it be fine

Every-time.....every hour, it just revolves in my mind......

"i just would have been in relationship with him , if i wanted to be in one....."

"love, it can never happen between us."

"he is tensed , he needs me....."

i just laugh at my own life......thats what really made me laugh .........

its over for me......i don't wanna think over......

i m back to the life of fears .....where i really didnt wanted to be.........

my love can never worth more than just dust.....

all what i can offer is surely the waste of others time.....

they probably don't wanna waste it....

my friends don't want me.....because their happiness may get interupted...love can never be

the part of me......

but even if she leaves ...

it will be the end of everything........including me.

The world seemed so sure........they definitely wanted me out.

The world seemed so sure........they definetly wanted me out.

they just couldn't figure out how.....

the very next day..i gave up on my strength to hold up 

everything that happened at her birthday party

Within me... i was hurt...

i needed answers.. as to why i was kept unaware of this reality

what reason she had for hiding all that , knowing that i didn't hide anything from her.

But i couldn't hurt her even....

it all , exaggerated me more and more , made me a complete impatient to the situation....

i called up....tried to talk but usually gave up thinking she would definetly get hurt

i just started to tell her 

every situation that hurt-ed me.....

for her maybe it was not more than a crap of a person

my questions grew with time....and her disapproving nature ...made me a complete

impatient and rude... 

she got irritated and the words came......."I think now its all over , i had cleared up

everything since beginning but you were not ready to be a part of it , no such thing as

love can happen between us , its been a year and a half and still its nothing.....don't expect

love from me in future..........

she totally got me one-sided , being with me .....i started fearing my wishes

i started fearing my destiny.

i don't know what could happen next , 

i don't know what loss i had now.....all my fears just drew

me to a world of fears now.......

she got away with it....

i needed someone to talk to......i thought of being with a friend with whom i shared everything

about her....knowing that all that would be safe with her....

our only common friend , my high-school friend.....i called her up to explain i am weak

, cant take life experiences anymore.....couldn't resist to live without her.....i just wanted to

die......

i expected some words of rescue....but

her reply was....she had been true to you since beginning that there could be nothing like love.

just forget her.....she has told me everything and i don't feel she is wrong anywhere....

after hearing her.....i felt ashamed of me...felt like i should burn myself with my love

and feelings......they were a waste as they called......they were never valued......

i called her up....to confirm if she really felt it was all my fault........

to which she said no i don't blame you only for all this.......but it can never happen

just don't keep any hopes regarding this anymore........

it just drived me more n more into me........

whenever i used to messaged  her I love u......i used to receive a reply "shut up"

she used to say......someday your messages are gonna create problems for me.....she wanted no one

to see it.....especially her parents....

the way she took care of me......all that moments just enclosed me now.......

now the day comes,

 i have nothing to prove , 

all the feelings , 

all the love , 

all the beliefs

she told me......i had no witness to prove it........

feelings , love , promises , beliefs .....all have nothing to prove to justify them..

if the persons start denying them.......

its just the person lives for the moment it believes in.....even if the other person deny

you can walk away any day....forgetting what all happened ,

its just the person who lives those moments more than life....never could comeback from that

again.....

they mean more than life to him....and he doesn't wanna give up so easily.....

even if everything dies.....even then his hope of his love to return to him , one day

never dies........

i just have the moments and not the person involved in them........

i fear the day she would totally deny my existence in her life.........

"THE REASONS OF EXISTENCE NEVER MATCH THE REALITY"

Its not that obvious to be in reality sometime....
sometime you just don't want to live in the

boundaries of reality that restrict u to feel something
that's kind of being understood,

that's the time...
the mind clashes with the open heart in love......
the blind trust moves in....to complicate things a bit more..

the feelings fly high..as if given a chance to achieve the height of the utmost happiness..
being independent to move without boundaries.......
and you try to

imagine every single possibility that comes in your mind at that time.....
as you wish for everything good to turn true for you...

i still don't know what is reality ...what is a dream......
and i am unaware of their differences.....
i am confused..

what to believe in ....what not to....everything seems false
everything alive seems a lie.....
people come and ask me for favors

some hurt me.......some are just unaware......

i dnt knw what to give away to please them , as i just wish that they stay with me
.....and what to preserve ..as i dont know is it safe keeping people near me...
as i am aware of the possible calamities...
...totally not in a state to do that..
as i cant just let things go away.....and i am afraid to keep them near..

every thought drives me to that party....

the way she sat next to him.......the way she sat in front of me......

i always told her...one thing ....i want u to be beside me.....whatever it takes and never

wanted u to be in front.....

its always believed that when a person tries to be with u...and next to u ......that person

is making u feel the world in her way
shown with that persons eyes......u can see whats the world

contains thats important to her......the person shows she trusts you so much...that your presence

makes her feel more comfortable than being with anyone else present......

that's why its always called to be by ur side ....its love

that happened .....not for me but for him......

i realized the fact and it made me feel more uncomfortable........

she came and sit just in front of me.......first showing lack of trust in me......i lowered my head to not see her that way.....the way it may hurt the most........being on the other side....

she tried to grab my attention....my eyes didnt let that happen because they wanted to cry without getting noticed......

when a person tries to be in front of you......it tries to meet u like a person who doesnt

trust you.....so don't wanna share anything......its like that person owes u something but

cant let you be in their life....doesnt think about you when you are not in front.......

when being just you and her......it means that we are accumulating the world , we both be the

boundaries to the world we create with your world.....let no one enter it except the one we allow......
its all our feelings growing in...making all the moments special....

i felt .....like everything ended......the place no more needed me....but i couldn't escape

i just couldn't feel to be a part of it..........

i messaged my friend to en-quire about the synopsis i had to submit the next day......i wanted to talk to him of the reality....
i really needed someone to talk.....
but i couldn't talk to anyone present there.....nor i could type all that to  message my friend.....knowing that

one of her friend being next to me.....may view it....

actually after that day , i got to know .......no one knew me...for them i was just a friend

of the girl i knew the most among her friend circle my high-school classmate.....

that hurt the most.......

when came the time to click the pics.....she choosed to be in between her friends , then

being with me in the corner.....after everything found me so prone to hurt....this one

unknowingly....did show up for the cause......

it gave me a reason to think and realize.....her first priority was him.....

second was her friends.....third or no-where was me......

i doubt i ever made it to the list of important people in her life......

her actions spoke much different from what she always said or tried to make me feel...

it just made me feel i was never part of it........

i tried to talk to the friend of mine...by taking her away from him, her and her some friends

but she(friend) seemed herself upset ....she(shona) came behind thinking what, i dont know...may be to make

her aware of telling me nothing........or my imaginations died that time to have not able

to figured out.....

so i just forgot about my problems and asked my friend, her problems..... i knew she wont

tell me anything.....but i could get to know she felt helpless...i didnt forced her and left.

that day....the world really shrank to a definite zero for me.........

feeling like all my problems started from zero and all my life ended on zero.......

HER BIRTHDAY !!

Its day before her birthday....maybe the anxiety crosses each limit fixed for the special

day .....as i can die many times for this day.....its so special to me.

my happiness lasted few moments , when i just found out she broke my trust....
for her it maybe a small matter ...
but it mattered the most to me.....

i asked her to remove someone from her friend-list.....this wasn't the first time i had asked

....it took me many days fighting with her to get it done.......

i don't know what drove her to him....why she actually cared about hurting him....
after many lapses

i made her do it.......

but that day .....i found him again on her friend-list......she knew i was not on Facebook

so maybe she didn't felt telling me about the decision she made up on her own.....i got to

know that day, i had to confront her to know about why she did this...but her birthday was only

hours away......i couldn't resist...i called up to know the truth

how could she put a complete stranger ahead of my trust......she broke me down......i felt

like i could never trust anyone.......she said he said something emotional ...that led her

take that decision.....

the matter was not she added him again....the matter was she kept the info away from me..

knowing the fact , it could make her not trust her anymore.....

she said sorry.......that night ....and i made her cry......the thing that made me hate

myself more......

On her Birthday , i thought of making up for all her happiness i ruined that night.....so

i knew she would throw a party.....for her friends....she didn't invited me.....so i called

up to wish her , say sorry and i self-invited myself to her birthday party.

i didn't felt like going...my steps used to stop while making way out of my house......

at one stage, i just had made up my mind to give up on my presence in her party.

but someway i did get going......i reached there , the place all people were invited

i called her .....and she came out of the restaurant , to greet me .....

i made my way to the table where all her friends were already present....while filling steps

to the path leading.....i got nervous....i don't know what i felt....

never been to a personal party like this for about 4 years.....

life had stopped for me....since then......i sat down...near the friend i knew the most among

all of them....she had been there with me....since all my bad times.....she didn't knew

she helped me out very much.....i owe her because i was able to collect myself and face the

world again....

she came blew the candles off ...and cut the cake....persons sitting around our table

started noticing n being part of the celebrations.......

then some of her friends came by ....to wish her and share the cake.

everything was good till now.....i had forgot about yesterday and felt i was being part of her

life ...that i always wanted to be.....in person , in real.......

then it was all decided to switch place....as the birthday girl wanted to ...so we moved to

a restaurant of her choice ......

we were all having fun....i was upset with her still , just wanted her to notice...i thought

maybe she ll sit beside me and inquire.....and i really believed ...i could be just me

again.....

she was with her friends...sitting in the middle ...and her friend on her right....

rest ....i didn't mind being the one at the extreme corner of her side......

everything was going well , when suddenly him made entry into party.

it really shocked me for a while.....then suddenly i found myself being engulfed with fear

when i saw him....the first thing that came to my mind ....he is the one for her

but my love for her tried to move away every single possibility of it being a reality.

the seats changed ......only the first half re-assembled ...with him sitting with her

and me sitting far away from her.....with that my happiness started to fade away.

i couldn't focus my attention....to place other than where they both were sitting.....

i used to pinch myself every now then ....to make sure between reality and dream.

to my surprise it was a reality.....

then suddenly from no-where......her friend started to assume or maybe she spoke the truth.

i still don't know anything about it....

she tried to bring the time-table of her into notice ....with night spent either texting

or calling....which she said involving him and her......

even she involved a wish of her marriage.....maybe with him only......

i didn't had the strength to just pay attention to their talks....as i was just shocked

a little flashback drew my eyes.....i was not able to speak of my own.....barely using

words to answer even whats asked.........

nothing could have ever hurt me more than that.......i felt weakened...i had so much to

myself.....and it just added to it....making me realize the people i think are part of my

life....are just my illusion.....reality is far away from me.........

she used to come and sit in front of me.......just trying to console me down.....but

her actions were just not good enough for the situations i had to face.......

nothing happened after that.....and i just had switched off myself......

i just couldn't bear it.......

then when everyone left and just him, her and some of her friends were left....even i thought

of leaving ...because i thought my presence or absence wont make any difference...

i heard he made her cut another cake.....some more moments of they both being together....

i just feel.....feelings left me this while....wen i just felt like death was much easier

option for me than to survive

BEING SIMPLE .....IS A CURSE

Something somewhere is wrong with me......
i am too used to being out with open wounds.
people tend to see it and just have an impression of my being.
Good or bad, depends on the views they try to have with
evaluating the impressions.

Its been two years, i don't find anything good in being something i used to be .

I don't wanna get hurt.....its never my intention 
BUT
its just that it finds me....taking on my weaknesses .

I don't like to complicate things .......i am just too straightforward....
i don't like to be
too much involved into anything....

i just don't know how 
every person's judgement on me hurts me.......
People have just started
to back-out......leaving behind a reason for me to think on

"dude , you are no good now"......be it anybody.
the words may just stand alone but they all mean the same..........

i am not good for company for anyone.......
i just start up with something and start to share
my story , unaware of the interest of the other person....

its just that the wounds , have started bleeding ....with the blood staining the hands
who ever tries to be with me ....

i end up hurting them all...........and i could be of help no more ....so i try to be in
shadow of being unavailable......

i have nothing to do.......i just try pass my time , being with her the only way i can less
affect her....

i cry my eyes out .....every-time i hurt her.......its just the reaction to pain her actions
impound on the wounds.......

i just try to be a simple guy, unattractive ....to any being out there...........
people have told me , they think i do it for getting noticed ......but they are mistaken
no one does this to be noticed ......i just don't feel like living good.....

its something in me ....i try to do....even at the end of so much bad , i offer some good
to make the world realize , i definitely deserve some of my own space to breathe..

i try to solve people's problems...... i don't do it to attract you , i don't do it as a favor
i do it to make the evil residing in me .....realize how bad he makes me feel about the
world , about me ......i wont turn evil at all.....i ll keep the innocent one in me alive
till the end.......

but to this is a problem....
people don't get it , they think i can be used....for their
purpose.....
they just want to solve their purpose and just leave......and return when in need again
they just try to show how much i mean to them.....wont leave me unless i fulfill their
purpose.....be it the evil way to which i resist.

surely ......life is complicated for me.....be it love or anything....

i don't want her to go......
i don't want her to be near and get hurt.
and the declining hope of change in me each day......
adding to difficulties that don't let me
breathe .......

i don't trust myself.......
i have let everything go .....
and now i fear of being alone.

ITS TOO LATE TO BE RESPONSIBLE.......

With being "honest "..Comes "Rewards"

her words actually weakened me.....her love was never there to support

maybe her wish was not me.........

it hard to see someone you love go to someone else..but the shortcomings of being a one-sided
lover is that you have no option.....

she nearly brought me to death , everytime she used to say....you and me its never gonna happen
i just tried to keep everything to myself , fearing that it may make me loose her forever
i cant hurt her and i cant leave her.......

every night i try not to call her , thinking that she may get disturbed ...but i give up
and call ......but the call always goes on waiting ......
it didn't used to affect me when she hadn't said the forever not thing but now suddenly it hurts
a lot sometimes....its always me ...when i call ..she thinks about her studies , telling me
would u speak up ?....or i have to study.....seems avoidance

she ignores or she doesn't care ......that the other person is so much hurt that the words
don't come out of his mouth....

there were days when i used to speak a lot...used to imagine things n share with her
the moments i wished to spend with her.....but it all came with a thought i new this was
coming.......i doubted if she was being sarcastic at times........but the love wont let
that pass to the heart...making it not uneasy for me at times.....

she said "i cant be with you " because i can't hurt you both....
" i don't wanna be in a relationship", i hate this.

"i need time , i am not there it ll take me time to reach where you are......and i am not that
expressive as you are ".

surely this feel like they kept me alive or ruined my present , depending upon how she
used them

i don't know if her words came more when being with the other guy......or i did bored her
because i am trying to figure out that was i fool or random to have offered so much honesty
still have nothing......

someone trying to hurt me.....said " DOgs are also loyal and honest, and they usually find their
place either tied to the main door...or out of the house....they are breed to be used for
service...not meant to be the royal of the house."

he laughed and passed away.....

that day i felt really low.....and i called her....i was keeping things with me but it
suddenly exploded........the words which came as a reply were usual except one....

"if i wanted to be in a relationship , i could have been with him....knowing him for time
more than i know you for......."

i regret making that call.....that time i actually was shocked to hear what i heard
i kept myself calm.....n cried a lot......that day i was not me actually because i really
couldn't believe , she said that

all i could do was to sit down and make me believe she said that......and meant because she didn't
regret or realized what it could mean to me .....when she really said that......