everyday talks ....just dont end up in a peaceful way ......the words just hurt now
i m fed up....i wanna leave....knowing that i cant live without her...it makes me to think
of the end......

she always push me away ......asks me to make my own way....but i just dnt know what makes me
stand there....
every time she drives me away......everytime she walks away..
it just makes me feel , she doesnt want me ........anymore .....no-more

everyone thinks i am a psycho.....everyone thinks the same.....the worlever sees inside the
flesh......where i keep all the secrets dissolved in pain.....the grief wrapping over it.
and the love taking care of it.....

everyday ......starts the usual....but if ur grief starts before the day .....it means
it wont let u pass the day......

i remember the day , one of these....

my friends threw my bracelet from the height , that it broke......ughhhh...
her reply .....to my unsensible start to my conversation with her....

i tried teasing her...making her feel i loved it........

it was not about the bracelet that feel.......but the way she shared with me.....as if
wanted me to pamper her......as if she started believing in me ....in my feelings ....
in my love for her........

the day i had signs.....there wud be sunshine for me .....one day...
the day she wud just say.....what i wanted to hear.....

....................

from past few days ....i had this incident going through my mind.......
i woke up to this dream everyday .....but today was unsual......its been days i talked to
her.....waking up to this dream....i felt like talking to her , but cudnt be....

it was an important day for me......i had my exam...

i was already late by schedule , so i rushed out of my house to be on time or not late by
too much time.......

everything went against me .......against my aid....
i happened to be on time........
i really got frustrated....i closed my eyes to calm myself.....but it worsened my condition
i had that incident reviving in my mind......i cudnt bear that......

at last ....after wasting so much of my time....i board the bus to my college......
i dnt know ....everyone stared at me.....coz i looked really frustrated ......annoyed
by every damn action....every damn situation........i felt like beating the hell out of
myself .......beating the hell out of the memories......beating the hell out of
love...that touched and ruined me to this day ......

all i cud do ......is cry......nothing else was in my hand......
she gave up any chance to be normal.....she gave back the feel to have moved on......

i waited the journey to end.....both ......of this one to my college and of my life.....
survive being a reason for others to laugh on .....is not better than lying....

everyone who gets to know...just adds some spice to their suggestions .....to just burn me
...just before my exam.......

i sat at my allotted seat , felt nervous.....felt frustrated........felt like something
jammed my mind......blocked everything to flow.......

looking at the paper , made it more frustrating to stay .......i knew nothing......
i just cudnt control myself....
everyone looked at me .....i cudnt calm myself..........i wanted to be normal again....
i wanted to smile....but people gets happy making me sad......

they all stay with me ......if i be their fun element for the time......
i keep the self-respect aside.....be their fun-element .....bcoz she knew i had
no-one.....n she left me to be this......

it doesnt hurt ....when they make fun of me......coz if she wud have respected ....
they wont have had the chance .....

i did nothing for them.....but for her i did ...if she didnt cared
how can i expect them to be of any help......

i stumbled over every question......as i wanted to be with her.....
i felt like the world denied me the stability ....they wanted me to fall.....
fall in every step i take......

i feel everytime i have been in her eyes...."i lost a loving heart to be"......

steps took me out of my college.......straight back to the bus stop
to make my way home.......

i dnt want to go, something holds me back....saying something is left to be done
something is left to be known.......

i close my eyes......
it takes me back to that incident........

hey ........i msged her....

hi...  she replied....

some stupid conversation from my side intiated my talks with her for the day.....
her msges came too frequently(negative) .....that it made me worry

i called her...." hey how r u ?"
hey again......fine again.........she from the other end...

whats up ?......me torchering her to find a reason to talk .....or grab her certain
attention.....

nothing.......i ll call u back......and she ended the call........

i never felt bad.....or suspicious of it ......

........i opened my eyes .....as something stopped in front of me........
the bus to get back home.......

i board the bus ......to be back again......from the frustrated college life to
never ending lonely life.........

a baby girl .....in the arms of her mother ....looked upon me ......and then clinged to
her mother .......whoz firm affection ....calmed her ......

she was wearing a cute bracelet .....which she took off to chew....and play ......

even her cuteness and plays cudnt make me just be normal and forget everything......

she streched the band in a way that it hit me above the eye ......and she smiled.....
i picked up and tried to give her ......but she refused and clinged to her mother ...
and then i gave that to her mother....

her mother grew accustomed that her child got scared of me.....and she told me in a way
that she didnt wanted to hurt......

while she was chewing it , it made me remind of something....the description someone
gave ......
then both the mother and the child unboarded the bus.....

the girl left the bracelet on the seat....and it was too late to give it back , when
i noticed it.......

i slept unaware.....and went back in that incident.......
..............

i called back in the evening......
hey , how was ur day ? ......i asked

not good .....wbu ?.......her reply.

what happened ?.....i asked .....

they broke my bracelet .....she replied .

who ?......

my stupid friends .......she replied ....

aww and i said things to tease her.....and she depicted me the incident.....

other than the incident , i was involved in the cute way ....she told me everything
and felt as if even she wanted something to keep the conversation active......

she made me feel......my time for her ....valued ...and a hope that someday my feelings
wud too......

..................


i unboarded the bus......and felt unaware of the world......
i felt dead .....
i had a loss ....no one cud fill-in.......

all i cud do .....was cry for the loss....nothing else...
even if she left me on her decision.....i feel like i was at fault that cudnt make her
feel the love i had for her.......