she wants to go.......
love was still wasnt on my side......

a few steps more together .....are not helping her change her mind...
i can see her going through hell
all bcoz of me.....

i repent coming into her life......
the clue of my curse affecting her ....
was in front of me......
but i ignored it ......thinking it might be due to the feelings ....

facing this reality.....knowing the truth that i can never win over it.......
weakens me from within.....

i cant let her be like this.....
she hasnt touched peace for a while......or maybe since i came into her life...

i made her cry alot.......for nothing...

she feels frustrated....unhappy ......totally rude at times
her happiness seems to be cursed ....
i can think of no-one else to blame for this.....

going on-line.....for a while ......just to see her there ....
but she goes offline...thinking i might again irritate her with my melo-drama .
makes me feel ......totally reluctant abt my life......

i feel like i never loved her...i ruined her for something i never had..
a special someone to be with.....

i feel so much attached to her......that i cant let her go....

i never tried to be rude to her..willingly
its just that when i get irritated , it comes naturally.....
i m very low with speaking out , about everything....
i just leave it on the person to understand...........

i get irritated when she never put any efforts to understand something.....
and i be rude to her ....not understanding her state of mind......

when i realize , its always too late to apologize.....

i think i overated the promise of no sorry and no thank you...we had .
but now it became the very important part of our conversation...........
like we are filling up for the debts we left in past....

can i let her go ?.....
no....
coz i m greedy...thats it
a scarstic reply wud come to my mind.....

no one understands my pain....when i tell them , i cant let her go
they go puzzled over my reactions and no reasoning on it ....
if i happen to give them love as my reason......
they just think , i m fooling them
u have done nothing......nothing to prove ur feelings....

when i ask them , how can i prove ?
they tell me off everything ....that has money involved ....
i look down in my pockets , it has nothing......not even a penny
they joke abt it first and then tell me go away , coz love never mattered
without money.....

is it true ?......
i need to have money....to convince....
its not her perception....but its the perception of the world , she believes in

i knw she wishes to be pampered and then gives up seeing my situation....
i didnt gift her anything on her bday ......even
with everyone bringing gifts ....and i was the only empty handed

i still curse myself for that......
even to meet her up....i ask her for favours .....to be at destinations
where i was comfortable to reach......

she did .....just for my happiness
but all i gave her were tears , intrusion in her life....controlling her....

she wants time.....out of everything else....
knowing that i dnt have much......

when she takes a break from me.....i get to sneak -peak my future without her......
and i dnt wanna be back to the dark.....from where only my cries cud be heard......

it hurts when she begs for something , that i cant give.....
she begs to be left alone .....and never return
which i cant give....
she says i want no-gift ....just not returning forever wud fullfill the purpose......

maybe she realizes the effects of me being there
i cant help it.....makes her feel helpless
and my nature adds on to her problem....

i feel like dying ....but i stop myself realizing , i wont get her arms to die.......

she is so much out of me......
i cud see love dying for me .....in her eyes everyday.......