I Don't Want This Dream To Be A Reality.......

my suspicion grew into my fear ...that day ..when i had that dream...

I was happy to be around her...a life that i felt was worth living..denying the possibilities and living for the present..
She seemed happy too...

i started ignoring or i didn't felt like looking at the possibilities...
i just wanted to be happy..

it was midnight , and it had never been a day ..that she hasn't messaged me before midnight..
but today it was unusual...
i messaged her...
and suddenly my mobile phone rang...

to my hello....answered a man..on inquiring him...he told me that the person to whom the mobile phone belonged to...had met with an accident...
He asked me to inform the members of her family..and told me the hospital she was in...

i was restless....about the news....neither i had any contact number of her family members, neither i knew how would i be telling them this news...
i called up the only friend of her ..i knew...informed her..

I felt so helpless that i was bounded that i can't reach there to see her.....as i don't own a vehicle...and even more..her family rarely knew about me....
i was bounded till the sun rises..and i was helpless as i could feel..i could do nothing

In the morning, i woke up late..after i slept late in the morning...
it was over 10..when i got ready to leave home ..to  see her..

Now, even i felt , what was i going for ..when the worst time was over...
I couldn't be there with her ..especially when she needed me...
and now all i was going to show that i loved her...
I felt ashamed to have slept that morning..but i had no other way
the friend i knew..wasn't replying to any of my messages and neither she took the pain
to update me on the matter...

Every random thought passed my mind..but neither of them nearing  the reality...
i was lost..and the world seemed an uncomfortable place for me to be in..
I was at the bus stop ..waiting ...and the bus came...people were too busy getting
inn..and i less cared and waited to get inn at the last...
But my patience gave in too early and i walked to the door of the bus..
suddenly , someone stopped me from behind..it was him..
Seeing him after a very long time..i touched his feet.....

I  had forgotten about him...and forgotten everything in being with her....
But he still remembered me....i was touched..
he asked me about my well being ...and asked me where i had been all this while ..

i felt ashamed ...and i just couldn't gather words..to answer him..

He could see me a bit worried ..and inquired
and i told him everything ....

after hearing everything ...he wanted to know what was i trying to do ...now
i told him everything...he asked for..

then suddenly when trying to move ahead...he stopped me again..

he asked me to stay back...but i had to see her...no matter what...

i told him.."i just don't care about what happens to me..but i really want to see her
right now...."

Even after knowing everything about yourself....
the way he said it...it just stopped me from moving an inch..
further...
that minute, it just made me feel.....could i be a reason , that could bring upon such
a situation for her...
to which the answer could be or was definitely YES..no matter how hard i tried ignoring it

I just couldn't stop myself from asking him.."what he did meant actually ?"

He started disclosing everything ....actually he had come to meet me..to warn me ..of the danger that may happen...and to see me too...
but after seeing me ....he could guess that something has already happened
and when i disclosed him..everything ...the danger was not completely over ..he felt

he warned me...it was not the right time to be the part of the situation...it won't undo
what's done but it may initiate the danger left.....

but all these were not actually stopping me from...moving ahead..
but in order to get going ..i had to promise him something ..to let him allow me....
to go....

I promised him...i won't push situations to let it be according to me...i would respect
what i'll be offered...and would not try to be a part of someone's life and would stop
others from being a part of my life...

I moved ahead..he still didn't wanted me to go..as he knew i would surely break a couple of promises..

I reached the place ....my heartbeat...started beating faster....
i was surrounded by my fear of assuming her condition..will i be able to bear the moment
seeing her like that...

As soon as i reached the entrance , i was stopped by the guards ..asking me for my whereabouts...i told them and then they asked me for the pass...which i didn't had..
They asked me to wait outside ..even after requests..

I waited outside..and tried calling the friend...she didn't answered at all...
I glued my eyes to look for someone inside i knew..to help me get in..

I saw my friend ..looking at the entrance in search of someone...i moved towards the
entrance giving her a chance to see me...she did..maybe or maybe not and then immediately turned her face around...and i saw her calling someone...
i was thinking that would be me...but my mobile didn't end up receiving any call...

i sat down on the bench across the entrance....and saw many injured persons getting exchanged with all treated people through the door....the tensed faces of the people
accompanying the injured people ...or should i say critical patients..
made me skip my heart beat...

After some-time...i saw someone noticeable ..making way through all those people and
patients...to the entrance...he waited there..called someone... and some moments later, i saw my friend coming to the door...helping him..get in....i got to know..it was him.....
I hadn't seen him before....or should i say i didnt cared looking at his pics on fb
I don't know , whether she saw me sitting at the bench or not...but if she did...
what made her..ignore me like that...

I waited at the bench...seeing people around...even seeing people who knew me..move across me....totally ignoring my presence there.....

the day , ended and i waited there.....with no objection and all acceptance...
I was still not out of the fear...

One of the guard sat next to me...he anxiously inquired ..what was i waiting for ?
i told him...i was waiting to meet someone who was inn there....he asked me .how was i related to her ?...i paused..trying to say something and in the end..said "Even i don't know

how am i related to her , i want to live my whole life with her but my life isn't worth living ...i am ready to give away everything , but she never believes in me,"...
he allowed me

to step inn...and asked me to be quick with my return...

I just don't know...what made that person melt at this hour for me..who was so strict
to have not let me inn...in the morning..i walked inn..with my fear growing more.....

I asked the reception..for my queries..about where she was...
she said the meeting time was over..and requested me to come in the morning...
on my request , she did told me...the chamber and her bed number ..where she was...

After letting me know the details..she got back to her work...
i entered the chamber ...and there was a huge line of beds there...every patient was
accompanied by one relative..at night..i slowly walked in the decreasing order of the
numbering of beds..from the door...
i reached there..i could see her sleeping..
there were two persons there...with her..one was "no need to guess" and other was maybe her brother..guessed it from the description , she once gave me of her brother...

I don't know ...from where a nurse came and started panicking....asking me what was i doing there ...i requested her to maintain silence...and asked her to walk to the door
and agreed to tell her everything...

I explained her.. everything.....i requested her to believe me...and
before making my way out of the chamber ..she pulled out a question from nowwhere...
how are you related to her ?...i still didn't had an answer to that...and repeated that
she won't understand..as to this day even i dont know

how am i related to her "...
.this time..it really pinched me..
and i was curious in knowing what i meant to her...

i got back to the reception and requested the nurse there...to lend me a pen and a paper..she did said something ...but i ignored..i owe her for lending me the pen and the paper...

i wrote down..what all i knew.....

"Shona

hey I am glad that you are fine..was wondering the options to reach you..
but when i did find one...you were busy dreaming ..
you really made me feel dead till the time..i saw you..
you know one thing...even the nurse who is attending you...
complains about your irresponsible behavior...
i know ..i know..all the credit goes to me..
to have loved you..more than my life....


This has been the worst day of my life , Seeing you like this ....in a hospital
I don't know who to blame ....you or me ....
You for neglecting the care i wanted you to do , in my inability to be with you all the time,
or me to have not told you everything .....
I should have told you about this before..and i even tried telling you this
when you thought i was mad...
you were the one ..who used to keep my spirits high and never made me believe in anything
like that..but now seeing you like this...
i feel like blaming myself to be a part of you...
All i see is an adjusting you...who just believed in a fool's word and walked with me ....
even when you had the option of leaving me....
I failed to fulfill all the promises ....but it would hard to break one knowingly...
"To be with you till my last breath"
Its not that I am leaving you alone ....but i just don't want to be the trouble of your life ,
As I can't loose you...and can't be with you on knowing that the reason of loosing you ...could be me ..myself

I am sorry for everything that happened...to you
""

i wrapped the piece of paper and handed over it to the guard at the entrance...with a tip and asked him to give it to the patient at bed no in chamber "..."

I walked out ..of the hospital.....knowing my real value..
the day made me be aware of ..the fact...that i was nothing without her....

After Some Days...
A message flashed on my mobile.....


"Hi
Can we meet up ?
can you come to the market nearby my place...

i replied affirmatively...
i was feeling low..since that day...didn't slept and ate properly
her sms did charged me somewhat but my body requirements still kept me on low...

i reached the place....and called her to know where was she..
i moved to the place ..she told me ..she was waiting at...
i could see her from a distance..still an angel even with bandages..plastered hand and elbow...i was happy to see her alive..

hi..greetings got exchanged knowing each others well being ..
i asked her what time would it require more for her to fully recover...
she told me ..that it may take a month or more....for her to recover.....

She opened her wrist to show me the piece of paper.....it was the piece of paper on
which i wrote....so what do you want to do ? her question.....
I just don't want you to go...but i fear that keeping you near can hurt you...

Do you really feel ?..writing down on a piece of paper and not making it to the hospital
physically ..at times when i needed you the most ...and just saying that you fear
and you blame yourself for all this..
would make me forgive you ?

What ?..what do you mean ?shona..
how are the two things related ?...

one sec....I am not lying ..when i am telling you this....i should have told you before..
i know....but you always made me not to believe in all this......
it was me trying to convince her.....

then why didn't this act of feeling guilty i got to see before...you knew it ....
it must have been the fact that you don't want to be with me...
she said..

and you know what even i don't want to be with you now.....
and yes you said it right....
you are responsible for everything .....
everything bad that happened to me...
I don't want you in my life...ever again.....

She tore that piece of paper and threw at me....
I collected ..them..
as a reward to have loved her more than myself...

"

this had been the dream ...i could never forget.....

When i woke up...i looked at my mobile for messages....
there was nothing..and i realized the importance of knowing everything
and responsibility of even letting her know about it....

There were just three days to the big day....HER BIRTHDAY..
it was 8th ### 2011..
it was the day ...i had known my fear.....

The Curse -II

The day , i knew everything
started with a smile for me...when i was getting ready..eager to know the solutions
to all my problems ...the way out of the hell....i had experienced..
 
I, in front of him...just started with my description of my sufferings...
he just told me..to chill.....they are just my illusions...
he used to take note of everything but never used to tell anything related to the truth.
i was just not satisfied with the answers..
i fail to understand ..the link to the answers and the direction to which all the situations pointed in...
 
I told him..all my observations...what i was looking for in the answers of my questions
trying to frame the picture of the reality that relates to the truth..
 
I was warned ..and not being told at first...
but i had to know it..that day or be it any day of the future..
 
The truth of my life...why everything pointed at me ..to be blamed ..
why i too felt , i make certain things ..without any reasons....
 
You are cursed...he said

Failing to understand , what it meant , and what it did ?
i questioned again...

Then he made me understand my life...
how situations led to the curse affecting you...

As i had grown accustomed to something unusual about me...i had on my own started keeping
everyone at a distance...the limit changed to be increased ..every-time everything unusual
took place...

It was tough ..to be near me..
as i tried being rude with people going way beyond the limits...and separated myself whenever i got the chance...

It was tough for someone like me...who loved to be in others company..to live like that
and the need to be around others...grew more with the growing suspicion...

Failing to effect my existence...the curse started making the people important to me
, the victim to the situations....

I couldn't stop it from affecting the important people in my life...as i didn't knew
it at all...

But when i got to know..about it..
i suspected her to be the next victim...
as she was someone important in my life....

12 October 2011 - "The Day the End Started"

today i was very happy , not because i had/ have won a prize.
because something i intended to do , that could turn my life .....

taking steps down to a place , i imagined my future with her 
with ever-lasting happiness.
but somehow some wishes never reach the full-filler or are denied .
whatever be the reason, we never get to have it.

i saw her standing already at the place. 
i could see a shine on her face . 
it seems a good day.
even luck was by my side ........
as i reached her ...i kneel-ed down taking no time further

her words interrupted mine , to which she said "I can only be your friend for life , and never expect
me to change again."

these words i hardly get to believe in with things started to change at sudden ...i never
realized this was what she gonna say.

today was her birthday , so i couldn't follow up with any confrontation nor i could cry myself.

she walked over to see her friends ....and behind her the whole world , all my feelings, wishes
etc fell from heavens like piece of waste papers.

i was all covered with these papers , with my surroundings.

for that time, i really couldn't understand the difference between dream and reality
i assumed it to be a dream , as i never expected it to happen.

i lay there with all my feelings and wishes ....which had gone wasted
i collected my body to protect my soul and heart from getting more hurt......

after some time , some of my friends grew aware of my acquaintance ......they wanted to drive
me away from that place to which i resisted because those were actually what i earned from our relationship
it really made me rich , as it provided me the wealth of sharing few moments of my life with her.

she really turned my life with her decision , but she made something out of me which i couldn't be

i really don't know what reason to give against my wish to stay there ......which changed my life.

i can't wish for anything else but to recollect and bring back either the time i lost or the relationship i lost

in which the last one was what i dearly wanted .

i never wanted her to go away like this , but she did .

i really wanted to kill myself for going out that day.....and i actually self-invited myself to the event.