By Surprise Love Couldn't be the Best part of My Life...

"By Surprise Love Couldn't Be the Best part of my life..."

the inevitable summary of my life...where fate runs ahead of all....destiny makes its
surprise calls.....the curse never let me go.....and i am all bound to show....everything
i believe in..everything i feel ...to make that one effort to make you realize
how much i need you to be a part of my life....

But i never have anything to change , whats written....
but i always wanted you to back me up through all the times.....to make that impossible
attempt in life...as feelings are more dearer to me...than the fate...
as the fate takes me away from you...and feelings makes you go away....

I never wanted to clear up things...i knew it'll make you leave ...but i grew accustomed
to all whats true.....i saw myself through the eyes of the world without you...that
was not a great experience for me...i realized its better to let you go..before the
situations worsen...i wanted to hurt you no more.....

I owe you for the reasons that made you cry...and maybe in this life or the other
i ll try and make up for that...by being among the ones loved by you and the ones who
reciprocate that....

Shona, it feels dead again without you...as i am alone now, as i told you
never wanted anyone to be by my side...in these moments of time..
It makes me feel weak in front of the situations i need to face....but with you leaving
at your will.....assured me that it was only me ...who would suffer...

The only reason i have been alive till now is you....i have always hoped that you would
come back....and even that day i had come to solve the matters...and have you back
but what is saw ....made me die ...one more time in life.....

" I always get to see your dark side....and you never refrain from hurting me....."
she told me...the day she realized me...she was moving out of my life.....

being selfish , the way i look at things......i saw myself forcing her to stay
in my life more...
I decided to let her go.....when one day she ignored me...not for the first time...
but she did said ..." she didn't did anything intentionally the first time...."

" I'll ignore you....if i ever come across you in the future.."

every situation ..related to it.....
the eyes that saw me....acted indifferent to any possibility of knowing me....
I was shattered when the things that i lead to , were something i was avoiding

all hopes got questioned ....and this was the time i needed my answers
as to what i was living for.....respected what i had to offer.....

i feared ...but i had to face it....the sooner i did... the better it was for others
as with each passing time....i wanted to be left alone....
as i lost the faith to be understood ....the faith to be loved.....

I accepted what i was running away from......
" I cant be loved...and its no point forcing others to believe in love...."

So instead of making others life a hell....i offered my acceptance to everyone

i message both of them...to schedule a get-together....and i said this was to clear things
up....after telling the purpose , only the mutual friend replied and i had no
reply from her....this hurt a little and made me think of stopping right then...
but i was doing could end up everything....but today i wasn't listening to anything
my heart had to say...
Wish i had listened to it...and stopped...

but let everything happen...
i had it in mind ...the thing she said about me..being rude to her all the time..
i asked myself to be true to her ...leave all what i put on to push away others from
being beside me....
before leaving for the place...i saw i had expectations in the back of my mind..
the expectations that wished her comeback.....but i had no hopes ...as i knew
i was not someone valuable that someone would repent loosing ...

So , i wished to step back...with all what i had....as i feared for the curse....
will it affect her ?
it was certain that it would...the distance decreased and the complexity increased
the person who could write what he felt ...had no solutions to offer...

i couldn't take the life out of me...and even i couldn't take the life out of her.....

i perished while covering the distance to be at that place...

When i started i had so much questions to ask her ....., but now i felt i needed
to answer some questions myself....the questions i might not be able to answer
as i am only aware of the situations and i don't know ..how to solve them....

i reached the place....and the place was pre-occupied completely....i came out
and saw them approaching ...i repeated in my mind to talk less....don't just
over-react....try and control....and tell only what you can think can matter

Seeing her approaching..in my mind i said to her..." I promise , i ll be the good one today
..."

I took my eyes off her....as they approached
my eyes were speaking a lot that day...i didn't wanted her to get to know...
so i had to make sure..she didn't see what i was going through...

We all walked to some other place near by...while we were moving ..she always used to move
away from me...like i was someone she didn't knew ...

It made me realize ....that it didn't mattered to her ....what i had gone through
and it never mattered when i made my points public through blogs....it always seemed to
her ...that they were to make everyone curse her..for my situations...

I accepted my words never mattered to her...
Seeing our friend walking next to me....i couldn't even open my mouth to ask her to accompany
her....to the place...as if i tried to be next to her..she may feel offended....
I was complete by then....i really wanted to run away from there at that time.....

Someone standing in the path to that place ....stalked her...i saw him...
but i could do nothing about ....as i was seeing this day due to my objection of a
similar circumstance.....i asked myself to keep quiet....

We entered the place....and my fear grew....she moved to the counter to order some eatables
i moved ahead to accompany her...but stopped seeing her lost in the crowd...
with the friend at halt ...at a distance from her ..and i felt i should not try too much
after she showed a lost trust in me....i didn't wanted to affect her....

I asked the friend to help her....instead of going ahead myself...
i walked downstairs with them....i still had everything going on in my mind...
the curse ..the questions i need to answer myself ...the questions i avoided

we sat and they started talking to each other , while i just stared at them....
they gave me some time...to give me those answers....

the questions made me loose the half.....

I started questioning my friend ....as what made her write so bad about me in an SMS
when i needed her ..to help me ...understand what was going on.....and she kept
on bugging me....with solutions , what i needed to do...
what made the things change , that too so quickly

It all lead to a discussion, where the questions i had thought to ask , never made
their appearance.......

it all lead to discussion about what had happened..around her birthday
and what made the situation worsen.....

I asked the reason of denial.....
and
she said she never felt that way for me.....
she questioned me....." Did i ever told you i have fallen for you ..."

it lead to a tear...in my eye ...which i controlled and never let it out...
i said i didn't had anything to prove....

she questioned me .....what made me fall in love with her
to which i replied to her......all what i had to say....

her phone rang and ..it was her mother , who inquired about her...
i wish i could hold her back....as my intention was not to end , but to see her again
but everything ...held back those thoughts and

i gave away my life as gift to them...accepted what they said ...
even if i didn't wanted to....as i had no reason to stop her...and no reason to accompany
her.....

i gave everything out of nothing i had to myself.....with a difference that it made
that i wait for the end more eagerly now.....

Her Lies...

I remember , she once said
" think before you speak , as the words may hurt others ..and they may never be able to
forget that "....

Maybe it was only applicable for me...as i was expected to come out with words out of
total frustration ....

All i saw ...myself being made fun off ..by her and her friends ..

and two persons ..telling everyone ...that they love her ...and she also loves them

When anyone used to ask me....all i had to say was...I am a no-one ..to decide..
all i have is my feelings ....let her decide what is best for her ..and i wish for being
that one .....

Few months back ....all she used to say
that he was only her friend ....
and
it all started ..when the call at night by him...started to pinch a bit ...
the only thing was ....if he was just a friend ...then calling at night , everyday
seems a bit unusual ....
and her drastically changing reviews ...on him ....

from being just a friend to he needs me....
i have known him for more than i know you.......

and ending on her wish to get married to him....she did phrased it in a way it seemed that i forced
that on her.....

The scene at her birthday party ...with everyone ....assuming them a couple ....
and an facebook incident ...a status update changed to a...in all ...description of a hidden
love story ...
and she happily accepting everything with ease......

My fault is that I questioned to much ...in the quest to know..the reality

I just asked her ....about what all this meant ?
but she always used to ...go round and round about the topic .....
never clearing things ....

a friend of mine....added onto my problems ...as he too tried expressing too much...
and when i got to know....through his spread rumors.....it was all an end ..
and i just asked her ...to end that issue....
to which she resisted ...and it ended everything for me.....

I never actually gave any attention to her...making fun of my feelings or me..in front
of her friends..with me able to hear everything .....

she did said ...." she would ignore me ..and never wanted to see me..."

" I don't feel like talking to......you"

It added to her fun ...as always , when i used to hear everything she used to embarrass me
...and she used to question my self-respect too .....
which i used to ignore ..as i didn't wanted to worsen the situation more....

But i never had ....my answer and all i had were her excuses....

I never expected ...anyone to take my side ..as i never wished too....
all i wanted was the world to be with her ....
a world that didn't included me.....


Everything got reminded ....when her words reached me....
"If i shall meet you in the future...i'll ignore you ..
I never said anything like that....you were my best friend ..with whom I could talk about any stupid stuff .

However ....we both want different things from life ....
that is the reason .....we don't talk...not because i hate you or anything .."

Hate you ....she never said that ?
lie ...she used to end every sentence with that ...
with all i got to hear ...was either she hated me...or he needed her ..

Those moments ....still hit me hard..

Maybe..she may have forgotten ...
she asked me not to talk to her ....unless she literally typed in she wanted to talk


With whom ..i could talk about any stupid stuff .....
maybe she meant ..i was a time pass ...as it been 6 months and she never called
and went offline ...when i used to be online...
Put me ...in her restricted list on facebook...

and the last ...
her ignorance ....you were my best friend...
if i was her best friend...then why such justification.....

this wont make her realize ...she did everything right ...


I curse myself....to have fallen for her...
i curse myself ..to have considered her parents as mine...
and thought about them....before taking any step of confrontation....

I knew....no one would understand my feelings....
as the one ..the feelings was for .....never cared about it...
and i don't feel like confronting her lies.....

12 October 2011 - "The Day the End Started"

today i was very happy , not because i had/ have won a prize.
because something i intended to do , that could turn my life .....

taking steps down to a place , i imagined my future with her 
with ever-lasting happiness.
but somehow some wishes never reach the full-filler or are denied .
whatever be the reason, we never get to have it.

i saw her standing already at the place. 
i could see a shine on her face . 
it seems a good day.
even luck was by my side ........
as i reached her ...i kneel-ed down taking no time further

her words interrupted mine , to which she said "I can only be your friend for life , and never expect
me to change again."

these words i hardly get to believe in with things started to change at sudden ...i never
realized this was what she gonna say.

today was her birthday , so i couldn't follow up with any confrontation nor i could cry myself.

she walked over to see her friends ....and behind her the whole world , all my feelings, wishes
etc fell from heavens like piece of waste papers.

i was all covered with these papers , with my surroundings.

for that time, i really couldn't understand the difference between dream and reality
i assumed it to be a dream , as i never expected it to happen.

i lay there with all my feelings and wishes ....which had gone wasted
i collected my body to protect my soul and heart from getting more hurt......

after some time , some of my friends grew aware of my acquaintance ......they wanted to drive
me away from that place to which i resisted because those were actually what i earned from our relationship
it really made me rich , as it provided me the wealth of sharing few moments of my life with her.

she really turned my life with her decision , but she made something out of me which i couldn't be

i really don't know what reason to give against my wish to stay there ......which changed my life.

i can't wish for anything else but to recollect and bring back either the time i lost or the relationship i lost

in which the last one was what i dearly wanted .

i never wanted her to go away like this , but she did .

i really wanted to kill myself for going out that day.....and i actually self-invited myself to the event.