The Curse -II

The day , i knew everything
started with a smile for me...when i was getting ready..eager to know the solutions
to all my problems ...the way out of the hell....i had experienced..
 
I, in front of him...just started with my description of my sufferings...
he just told me..to chill.....they are just my illusions...
he used to take note of everything but never used to tell anything related to the truth.
i was just not satisfied with the answers..
i fail to understand ..the link to the answers and the direction to which all the situations pointed in...
 
I told him..all my observations...what i was looking for in the answers of my questions
trying to frame the picture of the reality that relates to the truth..
 
I was warned ..and not being told at first...
but i had to know it..that day or be it any day of the future..
 
The truth of my life...why everything pointed at me ..to be blamed ..
why i too felt , i make certain things ..without any reasons....
 
You are cursed...he said

Failing to understand , what it meant , and what it did ?
i questioned again...

Then he made me understand my life...
how situations led to the curse affecting you...

As i had grown accustomed to something unusual about me...i had on my own started keeping
everyone at a distance...the limit changed to be increased ..every-time everything unusual
took place...

It was tough ..to be near me..
as i tried being rude with people going way beyond the limits...and separated myself whenever i got the chance...

It was tough for someone like me...who loved to be in others company..to live like that
and the need to be around others...grew more with the growing suspicion...

Failing to effect my existence...the curse started making the people important to me
, the victim to the situations....

I couldn't stop it from affecting the important people in my life...as i didn't knew
it at all...

But when i got to know..about it..
i suspected her to be the next victim...
as she was someone important in my life....

HER REPLY- 2 APRIL 2012

i never told anything about your life or well being to anybody....
don't blame me for stuff i have not done...

itna hi shauk hai past mein rehne ka toh go
back n think what all happened.....as a lay man...

you'll come to know that it was not all
my fault.......
if friendship breaks its because of two people and not one....
in d eyes of everybody
you have become a poor guy
who was used and thrown away
and
me the
bitch who did that......

me sorry for what happened.....
and 
agar mujhe sabki saamne bechara bnne ka shock
ni hai toh it doesnt mean ki mujhe koi farak ni padhta.....

anyhow terese baat krna is like
diwaar par sar fodna...issmein b tu kuch galat hi meaning nikalega.....

My World Is Incomplete Without Her..

"Feelings ....Feelings....Feelings"......
i murmur as i go through the bits of papers i have

they all have something very important to say to me........
maybe the reason behind my destiny , maybe i deserve to be knowing the truth......
if she expects that i would get hurt.....then she should be knowing that i went through hell bad
, so it wont matter...

"all i gave her were tears in the name of love , and i expected it would bear happiness....."

all i could see was my motive to fulfill , her understanding was hardly mentioned.....
she rightly said in the end......"it was only me....not us".

maybe i took her for granted to say anything to her.....even if the words were not right
for the occasion.....i made her go through hell.......even at the times that were important
to her......

when now i reached her limits , and she calls everything off.....i blame her to have changed

i gather my strength to look back into my past , to look for the mistakes i had done.....
i closed my eyes....

i felt someone held my arm.....it was her...to my surprise....
she came to accompany me .....right when i needed it the most..........

she said .."you remember the way you used to count our in commons and ignore what we didn't
had in common ".......i thought you were mad or something.."

it hurled me when she said that , but i smiled because at-least she remembered that.....


you remember the chase you made to meet me....the day i came with my friends.....
and we were not able to meet.....she said.

i smiled as i said..."really felt bad....that i just missed seeing you by minutes....
:(.

then i took the chance to remind her of the trip she made to her natives for the first time
when i was there.........the tips and suggestions covering my fears i gave you.....
and the terrible time i spent in you absence......your replies didn't came......on time
and i really waited for that time to quickly pass......

it started to rain.....then
i moved my hand to feel the rain drops....as i moved to share with her.....
i saw her eyes shedding tears.....

its not the rain , its the tears you gave me as gift for my every will......they make u feel
so happy about it.......she said...

it was you , who used to get angry on small things , blame me......and made me cry for all
night and you slept ...easily without any concern.....
and the next day you behaved as if nothing happened.......i spent the night before crying
and forgive you the next day.....thinking that you must have realized.....

but your repeats of this......certainly....turned me against you.....

you didn't realized you rewarded me tears for whatever i did and whatever i didn't.......
but your expectations were to high for me to fulfill......
i tried to make you understand but you never gave me a chance.....

all i was left was to cry......

now, it seriously doesn't matter to me....whatever you do.....because you lost even what you had...

its all for what you did......

my eyes cries my soul out of it......all i wanted was a chance to not survive.....that
minute....she told me......all that.

A Dream I Had....

The day i collapsed .....
with everything meant important to me......hitting me hard.....

I felt at-least she would be there to support me......
But it didn't happened , Maybe for her good 
or
Maybe I was wishing for too much..!!!

Never had been an incident in occurrence that may have made her trust me  and my honesty......
Everything bad happening around me, had me into believing ....
that there was no tomorrow.....

Even if there was one
it was not worth living for......not with the present circumstances.

Everyone and Everything just agitated the fact.....i was unlucky......
they had a reason to prove.......

Everyone had something or somewhat to their name......
success
Some had people supporting them through their bad times ...
and fight with the dark time
to subside and subside , till it disappeared.......

i on the other hand ....had nothing.....just my hopes which remain as a pain with me ,
 if i compare
with people having love as the part of their life......

If someone asks me what have i done in my life......i won't have anything to say....
nothing to believe, it did happened, not for the good , but it did just because
it had too.

people ask why do you live in the world you dream off......
I have just an answer to give...... 

My reality is too dreadful to be in......
they all hate being with me because i am unlucky.
it makes everyone after they realize in real......
keep distance from me......

being among people ...... with pity eyes....just show they are ready to help
but never turn up when needed.....always ready to use you for their good......
when done......
leave you saying its all for your good , i have to go....their is no other
way.......

apart from others in this world......she acts a bit strange.......

she cares about me but does not love me......

she don't want me to go but is ready to leave at once on my call.....


i was very upset regarding my studies......what all i assumed .....perished in the reality
unseen , unknown to me........the world i never wished i was a part of......

i wanted to be with someone who could understand me......but i had no-one else other than her......

it really made me feel weak....when i realized ......
that the world didn't wanted me to stay.......
because whatever i tried or to the extent i tried was not acceptable to anyone.......

its the effect of every possible attachment of me to this world is giving up on me.....
starting or ending with her.......

i nearly had her lost to pain.....but she was unchanged ........
the world was unchanged .........unreasonable to me.......

she cried , i was unchanged on my decision to end me.......
i tried with only a cut not severe bleed......really had a bad luck i survived.......
what all she said on my giving her the news of my survival....really blew me out....
i wanted to die again....but my efforts died out with the strength.......

the night full , i was awake ......facing every bit of reality of mine.....

i slept in the morning....when it was about to sunshine,
i had a dream.....a dream too magical......to soothing to heal up my wounds.....
what it signified , i don't know.....
why ? the reason i wont be able to justify.....
but it happened.....

i had a dream.....
i was alone somewhere......
i don't know how i ended up there....and to my surprise
she was sitting beside me........

she kept a hand around me and asked........what happened ?
i said nothing
she said " then why are you acting so weird ?"

i said " i have nothing left with me.....but the world still greed from me"
 they want everything .....and they wont stop until they get the flesh this body
has......i don't know what wrong have i done to them.....to you.....
because the day you told me .....
it can never happen again.....it gave me a shock
and the day i had something positive to stop by me.....it worsened....

i felt i was no good ....even if i lived or died....it made no difference to the world
and now to u too.

"ohh i see then " that's what's causing you the problems.......she said

my eyes cried out expressing all that to her.......

she told me.....its all what fears me too....these days you are too unpredictable....
i cant be sure of the day ....you would just pass away or walk away....

now you make me fear and hurt myself.....all what you have made me suffer .....just for
the sake of that care i have for u...it all got accumulated in the form of anger for you
you just need to make efforts to make me trust you .....make me forget that....be patient
and be the one i loved....because you have changed.....and i have tried and failed to
recover that person in you.......

one day , the things may change.....but all what you did or had done.....
has just decreased
your chances more and more.....
but i ll still be with you......

i was hearing the same thing..i heard everyday....
so i stood up and start walking..
she came nearby me....took my hand and walked by my side.......


till now i don't know ......what happened...i cant say anything.......
but it may seem just another thought of my mind , and it may take me a long time
to make her believe it did happened......

BEING SIMPLE .....IS A CURSE

Something somewhere is wrong with me......
i am too used to being out with open wounds.
people tend to see it and just have an impression of my being.
Good or bad, depends on the views they try to have with
evaluating the impressions.

Its been two years, i don't find anything good in being something i used to be .

I don't wanna get hurt.....its never my intention 
BUT
its just that it finds me....taking on my weaknesses .

I don't like to complicate things .......i am just too straightforward....
i don't like to be
too much involved into anything....

i just don't know how 
every person's judgement on me hurts me.......
People have just started
to back-out......leaving behind a reason for me to think on

"dude , you are no good now"......be it anybody.
the words may just stand alone but they all mean the same..........

i am not good for company for anyone.......
i just start up with something and start to share
my story , unaware of the interest of the other person....

its just that the wounds , have started bleeding ....with the blood staining the hands
who ever tries to be with me ....

i end up hurting them all...........and i could be of help no more ....so i try to be in
shadow of being unavailable......

i have nothing to do.......i just try pass my time , being with her the only way i can less
affect her....

i cry my eyes out .....every-time i hurt her.......its just the reaction to pain her actions
impound on the wounds.......

i just try to be a simple guy, unattractive ....to any being out there...........
people have told me , they think i do it for getting noticed ......but they are mistaken
no one does this to be noticed ......i just don't feel like living good.....

its something in me ....i try to do....even at the end of so much bad , i offer some good
to make the world realize , i definitely deserve some of my own space to breathe..

i try to solve people's problems...... i don't do it to attract you , i don't do it as a favor
i do it to make the evil residing in me .....realize how bad he makes me feel about the
world , about me ......i wont turn evil at all.....i ll keep the innocent one in me alive
till the end.......

but to this is a problem....
people don't get it , they think i can be used....for their
purpose.....
they just want to solve their purpose and just leave......and return when in need again
they just try to show how much i mean to them.....wont leave me unless i fulfill their
purpose.....be it the evil way to which i resist.

surely ......life is complicated for me.....be it love or anything....

i don't want her to go......
i don't want her to be near and get hurt.
and the declining hope of change in me each day......
adding to difficulties that don't let me
breathe .......

i don't trust myself.......
i have let everything go .....
and now i fear of being alone.

ITS TOO LATE TO BE RESPONSIBLE.......